Welcome

At this moment, I am contemplating one of the great mysteries of the universe. Why does Twitter take so damn long to send you a verification e-mail when you try to make a change on your account? What the hell else do they have to do over there at Twitter? They sure as hell don't monitor their content. Trying to engage folks in a civil conversation on Twitter is like trying to play chess with a howler monkey. The monkey will just throw the pieces at you and then crap on the chess board.

Still, if you want to market a product (and that is what I am these days, it seems -- a "product) you need to be on Twitter. Until someone invents a better way to do it that we don't fuck up beyond recognition with our natural human instinct to shit on the chessboard.

That's the kind of stuff I ruminate on in my recordings. Might I suggest you listen to them in order?

Start with "The Liberal Grouch." It's everywhere. Try iTunes or Amazon, since that's where everybody buys everything these days.

When you've finished that, give a listen to "Government of the Stupid, By the Criminals, For the Corporations." Sorta sums up my world view nicely, I believe.

I have even dabbled in musicals. "2016: A Race Odyssey" is a look ahead at the 2016 presidential contest and what happens afterwards.

I get angrily poignant in "Nuts for Nitwits." You can listen to the whole album on the Music page on this site.

You might enjoy "The Sunday Stagebill, Vol. 1". It and "Nuts for Nitwits" are over there to the right of all this.

Like Audiobooks? In this day and age, why wear your arms out and risk paper cuts holding a dead tree book when you can sit and listen and be TOLD a story? I have three you can find on Audible, iTunes and Amazon. Just do a search by my last name. You'll find 'em.
I expect the fourth entry in the audiobook quadrain to be added by early December.

Oh, almost forgot. If you have a device that plays "flash" crap, you can see the widget to the right. That's my LIVE365 Radio Station, "Marxist Comedy Radio."

BY THE WAY? Every single word, picture, original musical note -- ALL OF IT -- is © 2014 by William M. Schmalfeldt, Sr. And you won't just be fighting me.

MEMBER: BMI, SOUNDEXCHANGE

ALBUMS AND SINGLES DISTRIBUTED BY: DistroKid, CDBaby, TuneCore, Loudr.


Now DIG IN!!!

Stuff I Think

"I KILLED OSAMA" NOW AVAILABLE! 

The final book in the Schmalfeldt audiobook quadrain is now available at all the usual places. This is the story of Billy Big Rig, and how he PERSONALLY killed Osama bin Laden AND Saddam Hussein. Along the way, he gets kicked out of the Navy after being framed as "The Phantom Shitter" in boot camp, he gets married six or seven times, most of his wives have shot, stabbed or beaten him at one time or another.  But after flipping a tanker that, if it were loaded, would have caused a "Kill Zone with a 30-mile… Read more

I Feel Pretty! Oh, So Pretty!🎅 

So last night, it's bedtime. With great difficulty I rise from my chair and make my way toward the hallway. Before proceeding with my Walker, I decide to give Raven, our 10-year old border collie, a little ear-scratchin' love. I bend at the knees and reach for her head. My upper body moves forward. And forward. And forward.

The progress of my upper body is eventually stopped by my face smacking into the carpeted floor of the hallway. I may have said, "Ow!" or words to that effect. TJ asked if I was OK, and I… Read more

Ooooh! They Are Just... So... ANGRY!!! 

I really don't want to spend a lot of time discussing these assholes on this site, but this is just too funny to keep to myself. There is this group of people who hates me because they hate me. Actually, that's about as close to the truth as I can get. They follow a blogger who is the subject of my album "The Mad Hog of Westminster, Maryland," and they hate me SOOOOO MUCH that if they can't find something RECENT to hate about me, they go digging for my name in the Internet Archives.

Today, they are… Read more

Missouri Considers Sweeping Changes After Ferguson Decision 

A Cape Girardeau, Missouri, state legislator vowed Tuesday to introduce a bill in the next session to set a "bag limit" for police in the state, limiting them to harvesting three unarmed black people in any calendar year."You don't have to be an intelligent person to see that there's a problem here," Rep. Claude Armchair said at a poorly-attended press conference. "Missouri is getting a reputation for being the Florida of the Midwest, where young black men can be killed willy-nilly for just looking at a… Read more

The Sunday Stagebill, Vol. 1 (Now on the Music Page) 

From the late 1920s through the end of WWII, Walter J. Puddingbottom honestly believed he was broadcasting a weekly radio program on the NBC Orange Network. The problem? NBC was so sick of Puddingbottom hounding them for his own radio show, they gave him an old fashioned recording machine, told him to turn it on at precisely 10pm ET on Sunday nights, and he would broadcast to the nation. A poor showman and a fellow of minimal wit, Puddingbottom believed it and the ruse lasted until the network asked him to… Read more

The Miracle Boys of Slope Oak, Iowa 

It's available at Audible,com and Amazon now! NOW ON iTUNES AS WELL!

This is the third of the quadrain of audio books I will be releasing. This title joins "Put On Your Parky Face" and "Baby's First Book of Socialist Propaganda" among my entries in the world of audiobooks. It will be joined very shortly by a fourth.

Voice actor Robert Armin did a wonderful job of bringing Mud Klemper to life as he tells the story of their improbable rise and longed-for fall.

IT MAKES THE PERFECT CHRISTMAS GIFT!

 

Newest Album, Get it Here, First! 

This is an album born of an error. I originally recorded "It's All In My Head," believing that the guitar backing tracks I had purchased was using the same definition of the word "performance" as that used by BMI. They were not. So, I did not have permission to use the music,

So, back up. Punt. Write my own music. Start again. With the exception of five cuts from the exceptional Kevin MacLeod (incompetech.com), these are all entirely original creations, thrown together on Garage Band.

Go to the music page and… Read more

Two New Audiobooks Hitting the Marketplace 

Production has been completed on David Winograd’s splendid reading of my book, “I Killed Osama (and that Hussein Fella, Too!)”. As ACX puts the files through the audio review process — which can take up to 10 business days — as soon as they are satisfied with the quality of the sound files the book […]
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    The Sunday Stagebill, Vol. 1

    by Bill Schmalfeldt

    In cart

    From the late 1920s through the end of WWII, Walter J. Puddingbottom honestly believed he was broadcasting a weekly radio program on the NBC Orange Network. The problem? NBC was so sick of Puddingbottom hounding them for his own radio show, they gave him an old fashioned recording machine, told him to turn it on at precisely 10pm ET on Sunday nights, and he would broadcast to the nation. A poor showman and a fellow of minimal wit, Puddingbottom believed it and the ruse lasted until the network asked him to return the equipment and revealed the ruse. Puddingbottom, it is believed, took his own life out of embarrassment and despair. His sidekick, stage announcer (and some say, "companion") Eldon McCarricker continues to live to this day in a nursing home in Missouri.

    IN REALITY -- The Sunday Stagebill is a series of programs written, produced and recorded by Bill Schmalfeldt -- the original program director of the "On Broadway" Channel at XM Satellite Radio and his "Audio Animator" Ben Krech. There was never a script for this show. Bill would troop to the production room, give Ben a base idea of what the show would be about, and the lads would ad-lib. If all the laughter that was included in the original recordings of these works from 2001-2002 was included, these programs would be hours long. In 2002 Bill and Ben decided to stop doing the show for a couple very good reasons. For one, Bill no longer had Ben's services as sole "Audio Animator". Ben was responsible for the production elements an additional number of stations at XM. And besides, both Bill ad Ben thought it would be better to just stop it on their own before they were told to stop.

    This is the first release in what will likely be a regular series of "Sunday Stagebill" audio releases.

    Bill and Ben tip their hats to the Firesign Theater as their comedic inspiration for this most unusual program ever aired on American radio.

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      [Info] ACT I 03:31
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      [Info] ACT II 02:43
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      [Info] ACT III 01:48
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      [Info] COMMERCIAL BREAK A 05:31
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      [Info] ACT IV 02:31
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      [Info] ACT V 01:32
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      [Info] ACT VI 02:52
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      [Info] COMMERCIAL BREAK B 06:04
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      [Info] ACT VII 02:21
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      [Info] ACT VIII 01:42
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      [Info] ACT IX 02:30
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      [Info] COMMERCIAL BREAK C 04:34
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      [Info] ACT X 01:33
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      [Info] Potentia Fatalis 10:53
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    Nuts for Nitwits

    by Bill Schmalfeldt

    In cart

    This album is a result of a newbie mistake. I thought that when an album of guitar backing tracks gave permission to be used in performances, I thought we were using the BMI definition of that word. We were not. So, I had to back up, punt, and write my own tunes. This is an album about life after 15 years with Parkinson's Disease, right wing morons who add nothing to the human experience, and other stuff.

    sheep.mp3 Like Sheep to the Ravenous Homosexual Wolf 7.96 MB

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